Some have kids...

Others have bottles

Hope

I know what I want for Christmas more than anything on Earth.  My girlfriend in a beautiful, possibly slutty black wig.  The room does not have to be so close to the sun that everything radiates yellow.

Mood changer

No I don't want to blog about aphrodisiacs.  I want to talk about the scraps of sanity that remain during the Fall.  I come by them rarely, and prize them like, well, a cool prize.

Sunlight.  It kills me.  It wakes me up and slaps me hard across the face.  Not like those erotic porno-slaps you see in hard porn, but like a real ball clinching slap.  I love those harsh, cutting lines thrashing across a room reviving some inanimate object seconds ago merely lifelessly collecting dust.  I can feel it's warmth on my fingertips.  I can imagine, if i had a cat, that it would be slouched in the vicinity if not under the ray of life-giving light. 

Plus you can make dicks on the wall with shadows puppets.  Score.

State of mind

Had the pleasure of seeing that amazing, brooding bastard Bon Iver last night. It was spectacular the way he could invoke emotion with only his voice and a guitar.

But it made me realize the way we digest music is completely reliant on a slice in time. When I fell in love with Bon Iver I was miserable- he was my teammate, my brother. I could curl up in a ball and spit my frustration musically like he would if ever he got his dexterous fingers on "Emma".

Hearing him sing about anorexic beauty (skinny love? What else could it be about), I realized, tragically, that I would not be able to swallow his emotion as an accomplice any longer.
Being happy I no longer feel the same about that first album. I can't relate, I won't relate.

I wish I could forever listen to RATM and be in fury, Phoenix and want to skip in my shoes, and Bon Iver and want to wet the earth with the blood of my veins. But I can't. That time is gone, that mood forgotten. That album will always be a snapshot in time of a Me of old.

It saddens me, but in reality it is good to see I'm evolving and growing as a person- I told you I would mom! Bury your Emma and find your Lemonade.

Someone should tell him to date a girl in Mexico.

Plog

Nothing like a good photo to put a smile on my face.  These two are a little out of focus, but cool nonetheless...kidding.  Turns out spending thousands of dollars on lenses can payoff for some people.  Photos by a friend.

Company Xmas Party

Last Saturday was my company's non-denominational Christmas party.  Do these upset everyone as much as me?  I would like to hereforth prpose the idea of comapny brunch parties- all the awkwardness without any of the alcohol (depending on what time people like to imbibe of course). 

But I guess that is what company parties are about.  I did get to see a g-string, however it was glued to a man's genitals, which dilutes the whole experience.

Next year I think I will become Muslim and cancel.

Perspective

I picked this up at a tattoo convention in SF.  Many a day I feel like this.

Not the skeleton you twit.

The bird.

Cheese wheel of life

Recently I was in San Francisco redefining society's conservative definition of romance, when I was confronted with the "suggestion" to take a guided tour of China Town through the very regal and cultured hostel we were staying at.  I begrudgingly accepted because I wanted more sex that night (yes my mind works that way).  All I could think about was how each second wasted in China Town I could be touring the beautiful Jelly Belly factory.

Then the guide showed up.  Straight out of Beetlejuice.  Leather lace-up boots to his knees, medieval blazer, and a bleached mohawk.  I was being led around SF by a citizen of Sleepy Hollow.  Here he is in all his glory:



"Californians are crap brick builders"

I learned more from this amazing man then I had learned in all of CEGEP.  He bombed us with facts (true facts, I might add) about religion, history, and even a little nutrition.  He wooed us with his linguistic talents, his soft voice, and cultural savoir-faire.  He was my my somber-looking pal after our tour was through because I couldn't believe the show he put on.  This chap made my day, and I didn't even want to give this tour a chance.  Jump in that wheel of life even if the cheese isn't being hung just out of reach, jump in and run your tits off.

I learned a good lesson that day in San Francisco: always say yes for sex.

Trains of thought

2nd post because I can't seem to keep that train of thought rumbling through my mind-tracks.  I blame society.

So that crossroads I was talking about.  That sounded so amateurish and cliched.  Also, that expression has a negative connotation in my mind; as if you are at a reverse plateau (your life was going downhill and then plateaued), and then ultimately you decide you must swallow the doctor's finger rectally and make a ballsy life decision to kick start the shit out of your cat-ridden life.

But I don't mean it like that- quite the opposite actually.  I have been floating in a false sense of mediocrity for a while, but recently that all changed.  Essentially, I have met my match.  And she won.  No, I take that back.  More aptly I feel like we are tied, and that feeling could not be more exhilarating. 

So herein lies my proverbial split in the road.  Do I continue being the crabby old bum that I have grown so accustomed to, and almost enjoy being, or do I lift my game and take the road less travelled (ie: never travelled)?  Utter contentment can't be that over-rated can it?  Like a bowl full of boobies, I say let's dive right in!

New Horizons

I am doing this for Dave Todaro.  A bearded man full of wit and cat hair.  I hope I can do to layman blogging what he is currently doing for the legalization of unfettered imagination.  I doubt it though, cause like, I still don't know the difference between a semi-colon and colon.  One of them you have to wipe more?

But more importantly I am at a crossroads in my life and nothing soothes the fragile soul like self-criticism and mediocre puns in blog format.  My girlfriend recently told me she keeps a journal, and I sort of got jealous.  Being the mature adult that I am I thought, why not up the odds and write down the daily drivle that drips from my consciousness for all the interweb to see.  If that doesn't impress anyone then I might as well give up.

This is for me, and my closely guarded sanity.